Stapp-atory Rape

By Jon Roe

Well I just heard the news today

It seems my life is going to change

When Scott Stapp, the former front man of the Christian rock band Creed, penned those words, he probably had no idea one day he’d wake up and find the video of him and Kid Rock having sex with four strippers. For a Christian rocker, this amounts to career suicide.

For punk bands, sold-out is the worst adjective someone could use to describe them. The Christian Rock equivalent must be selling your soul to the devil, because there are no other words to describe the moral 180 Stapp enacted. Stapp has gone from writing weepy pseudo holy lyrics to readily receiving eager young women in a bus with the king of hick rock. Maybe there’s a chance Kid Rock enticed him like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, but it’s highly unlikely given Stapp’s camera was allegedly the one filming the whole encounter.

Welcome to this place

I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open

Indeed, if you have seen the video, then you have seen everything Stapp has to offer. Not satisfied with the wholesale piracy of his sound from grunge bands like Pearl Jam, Stapp decided his image, a supposed “Christian” rocker, should be false too. There is something decidedly unchristian about welcoming with arms wide-open four groupies into your tour bus and filming you and your buddy making the rounds.

This is hardly his first discretion either. Stapp caused the break up of Creed with his over indulgence in booze and drugs, causing a fan to sue the band because Stapp was so wasted one concert, he couldn’t sing any of his songs. There’s nothing more praise inducing than a drunk mumbling something about God. It works for pan-handlers all the time. Stapp also partied a little too hard on the night of his second wedding, finishing the evening with a nightcap behind bars.

We stand in awe, we’ve created life

Here’s hoping at least that one part of the song doesn’t fit the situation now, because that’s more than Stapp needs. What is probably the most ridiculous about this whole situation is the second man in the sextet, Kid Rock. Kid Rock? Come on. On Kid Rock’s debut album, Grits Sandwiches for Breakfast, the song “Yodelin’ in the Valley,” an ode to oral sex, cost a college radio station $20,000 U.S. because of how profane it was. The man has made a career out of being a controversial, redneck, hillbilly. None of those words are congruous with what’s preached in the bible. If Stapp had been thinking, he would’ve been worried about what he’d catch when he let those groupies yodel in his valley after wandering Kid Rock’s forest.

All in all, it’s hard to guess which is more embarrassing–being caught having sex on tape or being caught hanging out with Kid Rock. Kid Rock is an embarrassment to the music industry. The only people who would admit to being Kid Rock fans live in the Deep South, where the test scores are lower than the attendance to one of his concerts.

Well I don’t know if I’m ready

To be the man I have to be

There is an old saying that no publicity is bad publicity, but for the field of being a religious rocker, this incident amounts to the worst publicity possible. Stapp may not be ready to be the pious man he needs to be, but you can bet he’ll come back in a few years under the guise of being reborn and changed in an attempt to salvage what’s left of his shoddy career. If anyone believes it, they deserve the load of hot steaming rock shat directly into their eardrums as Stapp prays to his third favourite thing–after booze and sex–money.