Mastering the elusive orgasm

Dear Sexpert,

I am a 23-year-old female who has have never had an orgasm. I have been sexually active for a few years now and have had more than one partner. What can I do to get an orgasm?

Unlike its male cousin, the female orgasm is something that must be learned, making it all the more special. Each woman arrives at the climactic moment in a slightly different way but many women will agree that penetrative sex alone will not do the trick.

The secret lies in the clitoris–a small elongated erectile organ found just above the vulva. During arousal the clitoris becomes engorged with blood like the penis, but with a much higher concentration of nerve endings. It is necessary to experiment with how you prefer this area of your body to be stimulated. Some women find direct clitoral contact too intense and prefer the areas above and below the organ stimulated. Others prefer to find a position with their partner that indirectly stimulates the clitoris through penetrative motions.

Learning to climax on your own is what most relationship therapists recommend. This is especially helpful if you are not in a monogamous relationship as the female orgasm is something that takes time and a considerable amount of trust to explore. If you can find out what works on your own, you will be able to adapt these techniques to intimate situations with a partner.

Can you recommend a good sex shop for someone who is interested in trying new things but is a little bit shy?

The Love Stop on 16th St. N.W. is a nice little shop. It focuses on couples and there are no dirty posters or peep shows. The staff are very friendly and interested in helping you with any questions you may have.

It is important that you feel comfortable in the shop, as it is in your interest to talk to the staff about the products. It is also important to consider that the products sold at the “mom and pop” sex shops will usually be more pricy. However, the advice you receive will be invaluable.

If you can’t find a store that you feel comfortable talking to staff in, try some online stores. Most sex shops will have an online store as well with helpful descriptions of products. Feel free to email any questions you may have to them as well. Anything you order will be shipped in discrete brown packaging without the store name or anything else indicating where it came from.

My boyfriend and I are very interested in trying anal. When we do try, though, we usually don’t get too far because it hurts. Do you know of a good lube and some advice on how to go about it?

Anal intercourse may not be for everybody, but many couples will try or at least consider at some point in their relationships. Because the anal sphincter is only used to objects heading in one direction, it can be difficult at first for it to accept something as big as a penis. It is important to start off with smaller objects first. Sex shops sell lots of anal plugs/toys in a variety of sizes and prices. A great start is Juli Ashton’s Anal Beginners Kit, despite its Pepto-Bismol colour. This was by far the most popular and recommended at the store where I worked. If you can’t find it at a store here, you can buy it online for about $55. If you don’t want to spend too much, try using fingers–first one, then two, then a penis! It is also important to remember that only toys with a base should be used, as anything else might get lost and would require an embarrassing visit to the clinic.

As far as lube is concerned, Forplay Cream is a really nice thick lube. Stay away from any desensitizing products. You want to be sure you can feel everything so that you can stop if anything hurts.

Got a burning question for our Sexpert? Email sexpert@gauntlet.ucalgary.ca. She’ll solve your sexual dilemmas in her column bi-weekly.

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