An open letter to Scientology

By Kyle Francis

Dear Scientology,

Last May, you announced that you are nearing completion of the Super Power program, a seminar that, when completed, endows Scientologists with super powers. When I read this, I could scarcely believe my good fortune.

As I understand it, one of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s tenets for the religion, located just after ‘Other people have money that should be mine,’ is that human beings have not five, but 57 senses or “perceptics.” I noticed that most of the new senses are just variations on the old ones, but it does include some new gooders like “awareness of awareness,” “Tasten Colorn depth,” and “pain.”

The article I read indicated that after completing the Super Power program, the new Super Scientologists are endowed with heightened senses, including “a greater appreciation of beauty.” One success story had Matt Freshbach, a 57-year-old stock broker excelling at his job and even saving a child’s life by warning the kid of oncoming traffic–and it only cost him a donation of several million dollars to the Super Power project!

I have no problem telling you, Scientology: I’m sold.

If human beings are now able to become super powered, it won’t be very long until there are super villains. And what good is a super villain without a super hero to beat on him and steal his girlfriend? No good at all, I assure you.

If Scientology is willing to finance my endeavor to become a super hero, then I’ll take a vow to fight for truth, justice, and more loose women than one man should ever be burdened with. I hope you’re reading, Scientology, because here’s why it’s a good idea to give me super powers free of charge:

1) I floss every day. Might not seem so important at first, but would you want some yellow-toothed uggo as your poster boy for Super Scientology soldiers? No, you wouldn’t.

2) I’ve got a head start. I’m already aware of pain, and I’m also fairly certain I don’t like it. So that’s “pain” and “awareness of awareness” already taken care of. Also, years of getting drunk and falling off of things (buildings, tractors, etc.) has made me nigh-indestructible. I think we’re all on the same page, Scientology.

3) I loved Mission Impossible III. I figure it’s only a matter of time before Tom Cruise signs up, and he’ll probably want a side kick. Since his infant child would almost certainly be of no use to him as a crime fighter, I’m virtually the only choice.

4) I’m something of a journalist, if however a poor one. Clark Kent? Peter Parker? Bah! Kyle Francis! Recognize.

5) Not to brag, but I have, in the past, fought up to seven nine-year-olds at once, and won.

6) I’m fucking awesome at building card houses.

After reviewing the facts, I’m sure it’s very clear that I would be an apt-candidate for superhero-dom.

Thank you for your time, Scientology. I hope to hear from you soon.


Kyle Francis

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