Time’s up, Switzerland

Pull out the old Axis of Evil checklist, because the world has a new boogeyman. That’s right, the bastion of neutrality known as Switzerland has joined the ranks of rogue states. The reality of the burgeoning evil empire recently became clear with an act of unbridled aggression as they invaded neighboring principality, Liechtenstein.

What’s so disturbing about this situation is how shrewdly the incredibly punctual country managed to cover it up. The official Swiss take states that a small brigade of soldiers became disoriented by bad weather and “accidentally” stumbled into Liechtenstein, no doubt complete with rocket launchers, urban warfare gear and more than a couple mechanized robot killing machines. The Swiss claim their weapons weren’t loaded and that they turned back towards sunny Swiss shores as soon as they realized where they were.

Unfortunately, anyone worth their salt as a conspiracy theorist should be able to see through this ruse easily. Clearly the Swiss were well aware of their actions, their only “accident” was forgetting an important rule of war: without an ample supply of bullets, guns are really only good for smacking people
on badass police procedurals.

It’s plain frightening to think of such an expansionist state existing in the heart of Western Europe. Historical precedent shows that once a European power successfully invades one of their neighbours, a wave of empire-building takes place, leaving the whole region a war-torn mess. This simply cannot happen. Switzerland might have bungled their first attempt at expansion, but their intentions are clear. The only logical solution is a pre-emptive strike to take out the allegedly neutral Swiss government and incorporate the nations’ beautiful ski resorts and philanthropic international organizations into the free world.

We watched when Switzerland refused to get its hands dirty in the World Wars; we watched when Switzerland voted down a proposal to outlaw the building of nuclear facilities; we even watched when they started charging $14 for a goddamn donair. Now it’s time for action. We can’t just sit and watch Switzerland play with the lives of the 34,000 Liechtensteinians. Switzerland, your reign of terror ends now.

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