This Week On The Internet: Fear, loathing, Stumbleupon

By ├ćndrew Rininsland

Editor’s Note: ├ćndrew came across a copy of Hunter S. Thompson’s “Generation of Swine” during reading break and as such, his writing style- for the moment anyway- is that obnoxious pseudo-gonzo style that every college writer adopts for at least one piece in his career. Our prayers are with Mr. Rininsland and we wish him a speedy recovery.

“HOLYFUCK. It’s like visual kei is cosplayinh a fat person.”
–Anonymous poster, /cgl/ channel

It was 8 p.m. on a Wednesday night, when The Fear began to take hold…

Two pages of Web. Dear God, two pages?! What did these animals take me for?! The Internet isn’t interesting enough to fill two pages! Or at least, not the sort of Internet suited for a family newspaper. One could write books on the depravity that is 4chan, that filthy hive of evil and debauchery, and still have enough material left over to convince every senator from California to Rhode Island that computers exist solely to turn the children of America into perverts, clawing at the very fabric of all that is good and holy left in society.

There was only one course of action left to me. After a call to my 400 pound Korean network administrator, who assured me none of my traffic would be logged, I loaded my laptop full of illicit Joy Division mp3s and set for the darkest corner of Mac Hall. With a deep breath and eyes filled with fear, I clicked “Stumble.”

Stumble #1:
Having a head full of bad nerves and seeing a kitten stuck into a milk bottle while listening to “She’s Lost Control Again” is enough to make even the most sane man choke on his own saliva. A shiver travelled the course of my body, not a typical mid-winter chill, but the full-on psychosomatic reverberation of a junkie deep in heat-stroke. Travelling further down, one finds pictures entitled “Siberian Husky” and “Barky the wonder-squirrel.” More like, “”.
I click “Stumble” again.

Stumble #2:
The Internet is an echo chamber for freaks and paranoids of all stripes. With no sane person in sight to reaffirm their faith in the inherent goodness of modern man, they quickly succumb to a state of fear, where the rules of common sense no longer apply. They become delusional, anti-social. Nowhere is this more true than the 9/11 conspiracy community. Or is it?

I click “Stumble” again.

Stumble #3:
Finally, it seemed I had come upon something that wouldn’t haunt my dreams. A simple game, left arrow makes the wheel go left, right arrow makes the wheel go right. Collect the drums and stars. Yet, an hour later I had scarcely made a dent in its six levels. I looked at my clock: 22:00

“Ye gods,” thought I, “soon they’ll be coming with whips and those chemical interrogation methods you only see on 24 if only to coax an article from my fevered brain. They’ll take a finger-nail until I churn out 800 words and five screenshots. Then they’ll stick me into that closet filled with CAT5, where many a strong geek hath perished. Did I just say that out loud?”
I stumble forth.

Stumble #4:
In a turn for the worse, Stumbleupon deposited me on the Wikipedia entry for “List of unusual deaths.” Was it a sign of things to come? The grotesque reality of Chrysippus, who died in 207 BC from laughter after, quote, “watching his drunken donkey eat figs” was not lost on me, nor was that of the famous Mr. Jack Daniel, who died from blood poisoning after kicking his combination safe in frustration. I brooded on the thought of consuming much of Mr. Daniel’s legacy after all this was through.

Stumble #5:
Yet still nothing could have prepared me for the horror that was Alien sightings, severe eyelid edema, mouths removed from the stomachs of children… Ye gods, when would this madness end?
Then Firefox crashed.

Have your own Stumbleupon adventure!!

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