It’s that time of year. The posters have gone up, the baby kissing has started, and the police have been dispatched to deal with myriad reports of pedophilia. That’s right, it’s election time.
In the spirit of the Students’ Union elections, the Gauntlet’s Academic Probation section has gathered together the four most judgemental people at its disposal in order to evaluate the election based entirely upon outward appearances.
The Judges: Ben Hoffman, Garth Paulson, Jon Roe and Kyle Francis.
Dimitri Petropoulos
Jon: I don’t understand the appeal of spoofing a movie about greasy men.
Garth: Oh, wait, it’s Haskayne.
Kyle: A vote for this guy is a vote for incredibly high-budget gay porn.
Ben: And a vote for greasy guys unironically shouting “SPAAARTAAAA!” at the Gym.
Jon: While they’re helping each other oil up.
Dalmy Baez
Kyle: This is probably the last chance we’ll get to make fun of Dalmy before she’ll have the shock troopers knocking on our door. She’s watching you. Everywhere.
Jon: Everywhere isn’t a slogan, it’s the end of the sentence “there’s [insert fluid] everywhere!”
Garth: Well, the print jobs are bad enough on the posters that it may very well be true.
Ben: Are there any posters in the washrooms?
Kyle: Dalmy Baez is watching you poop.
Garth: Everywhere.
Joel Skaley
Ben: Joel Skaley is hoping to get elected by virtue of how popped his collar is.
Garth: Is he a Dracula?
Jon: I don’t know if I can reasonably vote for a president who spraypaints in confined areas.
Kyle: I could reasonably vote for a Dracula.
Ben: I know he probably used a
stencil, but every time I look at his banner I visualize him laying on ground poppin’ it so hard while getting shot in the eyes with black spraypaint.
Kyle: Yet another thing I can get behind.
Tierney FitzGerald
Kyle: Hrm, capital F, capital G, I see. He must be a PhiloSopher.
Ben: Isn’t this the guy who didn’t want to run for commissioner because he didn’t want to work under someone who “didn’t have as good of ideas as he did?”
Garth: To be fair, I can think of several species of bird that would have worse External ideas than Tierney. The finch, for example.
Jon: He seems to have perfectly good ideas about how to be in a Calvin Klein ad.
Ben: At least if we vote for Tierney, we know we’re “voting for a realist, not a first impressionist.”
Garth: I wonder who the first impressionist was?
Kyle: Some dude who thinks that Tierney FitzGerald has better ideas for External than a parrot?
Jon: Also, chin-bum.
Scott Sims
Jon: Well, this poster certainly seems to understand the SU.
Ben: But are the crayons an insult to the candidate or the voting student?
Garth: He’s in trouble if he ever runs against Devo. There goes half of his platform.
Kyle: Or the Wu-Tang clan. But who among us could beat them in an election?
Jon: If Devo and the Wu-Tang Clan ran this university, I’d pay any amount of money to come here.
Ben: And you’d be addicted to cocaine!
Alastair MacKinnon
Kyle: This picture looks like it was taken on a cell phone. In a bathroom.
Garth: At a sleazy bar.
Jon: With another dude.
Ben: Do you think that’s why three quarters of his photo is obscured-because it’s hiding a dude?
Kyle: We could ask Dalmy Baez. She was probably there.
Garth: She’s everywhere.
Jon: Man, it would suck if she ever needed an alibi.
Ben: Where were you on the night of Dec. 15?
Kyle: EVERYWHERE!!
Sam Singla
Jon: I know its black history month, but is it really unfair for me to vote against blackface Cat in the Hat?
Garth: This does raise a lot of questions about the Cat in the Hat: where does he live? Does his stovepipe frequently explode?
Kyle: Does he bathe?
Ben: Does he routinely rent the colour of his face out to clueless aspiring politicos?
Natasha Men
Kyle: I’d really like Natasha Men to start a cabinet with Dan Breast.
Jon: The Breast-Men cabinet?
Ben: I wonder if they’d get a special menu at Taco Bell?
Garth: Come on man, you know after Achewood won Time Magazine’s graphic novel of the year it’s no longer hip to reference.
Kyle: Yeah, you’re destroying our indie cred.
Ben: Ray Smuckles 4 Prez!!
Jon: I don’t get it.
Ben: You wouldn’t. It’s a joke.
Teale Phelps Bondaroff
Garth: What does the Real Deal even mean? You could use that in any context…
Ben: I totally soiled myself on the way to the washroom yesterday! It was the Real Deal!
Kyle: I just had sex with Ann Coulter! It was the Real Deal!
Jon: I just got elected in a students’ union election in the lowest possible position for the third time! It was the Real Deal!
Garth: Well that certainly does illustrate the innocuousness of the phrase. I’m really not sure how I’d feel about having sex with Ann Coulter. I know how you’d feel about it, Kyle.
Kyle: It was poopy! She bit me! It was the Real Deal!
Andrew Gilchrist
Jon: This poster terrifies me. I think it’s the pumpkin orange. But then again, maybe it’s a stipulation that SU presidents have to somewhat resemble a pumpkin.
Garth: That, or the fact that he looks like a serial killer.
Ben: Or a Dracula.
Jon: So he kills people and sucks their blood.
Garth: Yeah, but those are completely different. So he kills twice as many people.
Kyle: How is Dalmy Baez supposed to win an election against two Draculas?
Jon: She totally has the advantage-she’s everywhere.
Byron McElgunn
Kyle: Actually, I don’t even know why this guy’s in here. His poster’s hilarious.
Garth: Yeah, this is a motherfucker who has things figured out. Comparing the SU to an infectious disease is surprisingly apt.
Jon: No one wants to hear about it and, if you don’t pay attention to it, it festers.
Kat Lord
Ben: You have to wonder where Kat Lord is that there are so many horrifying penises slightly out of frame.
Jon: The hat gives it away: A penis safari!
Kyle: Also, doesn’t that slogan just seem like she’s horrifically unprepared?
Ben: A vote for Kat Lord is a vote for being unprepared.
Garth: For horrifying penises.
Allan Bailey
Garth: I think Allan’s campaign slogan was originally a quote from his ESL Korean friend. “Al, you need is love!”
Kyle: “Is good campaign idea small music bug forever!”
Jon: “Take zeitgeist make vote now!”
Ben: “Combat fighting love power yes is people voting for indefinitely! Is never not always will be good!”
Rob Cooper
Ben: When Rob Cooper needs a campaign, he uses the Chuck Norris fact generator!
Garth: I wish there was a Rob Cooper fact generator.
Kyle: When Rob Cooper gets creative, there is no result.
Jon: Rob Cooper has never met a gradient he didn’t abuse.
Ben: When you bully Rob Cooper into doing your math homework, he does it. Well.
Garth: A vote for Rob Cooper is a vote for dated pop culture references.
Kyle: Shit, I was going to cast my dated pop culture reference ballot for NUTV.
NUTV Levy Increase
Jon: I pity the fool who uses pop culture references in their campaign.
Kyle: NUTV levy. Make it so… Tea: Earl Gray. Hot.
Ben: Narf! NUTV wants money! Poit!
Garth: NUTV wants that money so they can go to Toshi Station to buy some power converters!
Kyle: Iz m in ur campuzez, filming ur studntz!
Jon: Blackface Cat in the Hat says-wait. I still don’t get that fucking reference…
[Ed note: Alright. Time for the worst, saved for last.]
Gauntlet Levy Increase
Jon: This photo needs more beard. I grew a beard for a reason.
Kyle: I was going to ask who that ugly asshole was peering out from over the paper.
Garth: That’s just the thing. I’ve seen the people at the Gauntlet. That innuendo is just frightening. And that’s coming from someone who has almost exclusively had sex with people associated with the paper in the last five years. You don’t want them to put out.
Ben: Not true. More people should have sex with people from the Gauntlet. Don’t let Garth dissuade you, ladies, my mom says I’m beautiful.
Kyle: Well, I suppose a bag of frozen shrimp rolled around on the floor of a barber shop has a certain… morbid fascination.
Garth: This coming from someone who looks like a close up of
Captain Planet’s cold, glistening nutsack.
Jon: Big words from the world’s only surviving crib-death baby.
Kyle: Eat ten dicks, face pubes.
Ben: Fuck all of you. Let’s do this dance.
[Ed note: Article discontinued due to severe bodily harm.]
[Ed note: Also, chin-bum.]