Does anyone know heaven’s Postal Code?

By Elijah Stauth

In one way or another, He’s slighted us all. Maybe for you it was when He made your strawberry yogurt burp viscous dairy all over your brand new argyle sweater, effectively ruining any chance you had at impressing the brainy biochemist guest-lecturing your class. Or perhaps it was when, in a moment of undisputed malice, He made humans greedy, fear mongering, power-hungry deviants, filled with wayward emotions and unpredictable bouts of joy and suffering. Any way you slice it, we’ve all had a beef with the big guy. That’s right, God. He’s getting up in our business more often than not and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.

Of course, when I say we, I just mean you and I. I don’t include lawyers in that group. Lawyers, lofty champions of justice and righteousness, always standing up for the meek, forever on the lookout for wrongdoings, are worthier than us– the hoi polloi of the world. And even now one of these modern day heroes is championing the fight against our tyrannical lord and maker, resolute to knock him down a peg or two for the injustice he has visited upon our lands.

Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers, a law school graduate, sued God. He made up his case, went to the judge and declared that God was guilty of “making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons.” Then, subsequent to donning his highfalutin alliteration hat, he proclaimed that God had caused “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like.”

Of course there was one main problem. God never showed up. Personally I don’t blame the guy, I’m sure the universe requires a lot of maintenance and a creator can’t always be abandoning his post just to amuse the wiles of his creations’ current legal system.

The judge thought there was a different problem: God’s got no address. Entities that don’t have an address can’t be sued because they can’t be notified of the lawsuit. It’s kind of like they aren’t really part of our system of civilization– you know, like homeless people.

So, just when it seems our hero’s cause is defeated he springs forth once again, in perfect lawyer style, aiming to exploit loopholes in the name of all that is good. The courts have acknowledged that God exists and “a consequence of that acknowledgement is a recognition of God’s omniscience.” From here Chambers points out the obvious: if God is omniscient then he knows everything and if he knows everything then he already has notice of the case against him.

As it stands, the judge has already dismissed the case, so it’s up to Chambers to decide if he wants to appeal and right now he’s not sure that he does.

Now I shouldn’t leave you hanging thinking that this is the most absurd thing you’ve read today. It is. But it’s not because Chambers is a crazed man with delusions of bringing justice upon the Christian God. Quite the contrary, them lawyers are clever and Chambers is just looking to prove a point.

The initial reason for the lawsuit was to show the frivolity of lawsuits that are being presented these days. In the words of Chambers, “Anyone can sue anyone else, even God.”

The truth of that statement didn’t get very far since the judge threw the case out almost immediately. That being said, it’s not a bad thing to bring the legal systems penchant for absurdity into the public eye every once and a while.

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