The upcoming Hollywood dreck

By Ben Rowe

In the next 12 months, 114 films are scheduled for wide release. Of those, 69 will be remakes, reboots, re-imaginings, sequels, prequels and adaptations of all variety of source material. In other words, wholly unoriginal cinematic re-hashes, asking you for a good 20 bucks to watch a story you already know.

Most of them, thanks to Avatar, will be in 3D. It’s the Gauntlet’s obligation to warn students of the worst of the upcoming threat as the school year ends — before students’ money is wasted.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30)

Directed by music video director Sam Bayer and starring Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen), this is the first Nightmare film since 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason. This is the ninth film in the franchise, of which the only good ones have been written and directed by Wes Craven.

To think, we got this remake and a Friday the 13th remake instead of Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash.

Robin Hood (May 14)

It’s a Ridley Scott film so right off the bat it’s only worth getting the Director’s Cut DVD. Originally, Russell Crowe was going to play the Sheriff of Nottingham, but the 45-year-old, over-the-hill, egocentric Crowe demanded to play the swashbuckling hero. Really, Robin Hood needed a gritty reboot? Even when Kevin Costner already did one?

Ridley Scott has better things to be doing. Like that Brave New World adaptation.

Shrek Forever After (May 21)

Please stop Micheal Meyers. And the entire DreamWorks Animation Studio. Please.

Marmaduke (June 4)

It’s entirely possible that many of you haven’t heard of Marmaduke, or if you have, it’s only as an ironic statement on a 50-year-old conservative comic about a dog which hasn’t been funny for about 40 years. So of course it’s the perfect CGI/live action-hybrid for 20th Century Fox to market to the kids.

The A-Team (June 11)

No. Just no. If you don’t have Mr. T, you don’t have the A-Team. Unfortunatley 20th Century Fox thinks otherwise.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (July 16)

Key to identifying a bad movie post-2002: is Nicholas Cage in it? Yes? It’s going to be bad.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (July 30)

What is this? The original movie came out nine years ago and wasn’t even vaguely successful. This is a bad idea.

Red Dawn (November 24)

The original film was a bad ’80s action movie about the Soviet Union invading the United States. This seems like someone just scrolled through IMDB and picked a random movie to remake.

Yogi Bear (December 17)

This adaptation of the 1960s cartoon show will be in 3D CGI animation and star the voice of Justin Timberlake. Because, y’know, enough of our childhoods haven’t been ruined already.

Gulliver’s Travels (December 22).

An adaptation of an 18th-century satire known for its subtle humour, brought to you by Jack Black and 20th Century Fox. So it will be completely terrible.

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