Legality of simian teammate questioned

The ruling by the CIS board strikes a serious blow to the school’s chances, as they lose Ookie the Orangutang, their highest scoring player so far this season.

“It’s not going to be the same without him around,” said head coach and orangutang poacher Michael Chanson. “We talk a lot about equality in this country but you try and tell Ookie that.”

Ookie, a 250 pound reddish-brown orangutang from a rainforest on the island of Borneo, was brought in as a last minute replacement after a string of losses for the team.

“We were down 96-0 in the last 10 minutes,” said Dinos point guard and Ookie’s best friend Derek Pyei. “When Ookie ran into the centre of the court wearing a team jersey we thought, ‘Hey, why not?’ “

That spur of the moment decision proved to be to the teams benefit after Ookie led the team to a come from behind victory and the first in a long series of wins that led the team across the country.

“I’ve seen a lot of players come and go in my day,” said Chanson, who Ookie helped reunite with his estranged son. “But that monkey could damn well play ball.”

Universally praised by fans and teammates alike, Ookie’s ejection from the team came as a surprise after an elaborate plan was forged to pass off the primate, with an arm-span of seven-and-a-half feet, as a first-year general studies student.

“I bet it was those punks from Alpha House,” Pyei said. “They’ve had it in for Ookie ever since he started dating Cheryl Ottenheimer.”

Though he denied revealing Ookie’s true nature to authorities and thereby costing the Dinos the season Alpha Delta Exxon fraternity brother Cedrick Leedsworth said that Ookie “got what he deserved.”

“He thinks he can just knuckle walk into my school and steal my girl?” Leedsworth said, tightening the sweater draped around his neck. “I don’t think so.”

According to sources Ookie will be shipped to the primatology research lab of the school to determine a cure for several of the players infected with monkey diseases by the team captain during their historic playoff run.

The decision is the latest in a series of key roster losses for the U of C including womens soccer team player Charlie the horse, Diego the water buffalo on the mens football squad and Jeff the swarm of killer bees on the womens water polo team.

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