ThursDen line claims another young life

By Andy Williams

The University of Calgary campus was shocked last week by reports of a student death while in line for the popular weekly ‘ThursDen.’

Eighteen-year-old student Ian Porter was with several friends in the extraordinarily long lineup, which stretched from the main door of the U of C campus pub, the Den, to the university bookstore when he experienced a fatal explosion of his bladder.

“He kept saying his side was sore,” recounted friend and first-year business student Matthew Hynes, still unable to change from the deep V-neck shirt he wore that night. “But we told him to man the fuck up and stop being such a pussy. We never knew it would end like this.”

Porter had been the victim of a trendy drinking game, known in many youth circles as ‘icing’, in which a friend will hide a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in an inconspicuous location. Its finder is forced to kneel and consume the entirety of the fluid under threat of ridicule.

“Yah, he got iced 12 times,” said friend Ted Kelly. “It was pretty ridiculous. The first one was in his coat, but by the time he found the ninth one we had slipped in there I knew things were getting out of hand.”

Beverage investigations manager with the Calgary Police Service Mike Shaw said Porter’s death was the direct result of massive amounts of Smirnoff Ice found in Porter’s blood stream.

“We haven’t been able to figure it out but, somehow, the alcohol affected his judgment,” said Shaw. “All that separated Porter from life and death was a simple trip to the bathroom, one he wasn’t willing to take.”

“Yah, he could’ve pissed,” said Hynes. “But you can’t leave the line. What if you get caught skipping when you come back? Can’t risk that. He spent the day tanning, wore his best Affliction shirt and there were so many hunnies around. You can’t pass that up.”

Campus authorities are currently investigating the incident to determine how similar tragedies might be prevented in the future. Some outreach seminars under consideration include, “If you feel like your bladder is going to explode you should urinate urgently” and “Life after ThursDen — how to meet women without alcohol.”

This is the latest in a long line of medical incidents around the ThursDen lineup, all of which involve students otherwise conceptually able to operate like normal human beings in the vicinity of the bar.

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