Grammar nut finally cracks

By James McDonall

The paper has learned that beloved campus hero and self-proclaimed grammar nut, Geti T. Wright, has apparently suffered a breakdown following exposure to one too many local television personalities. Details of the event are slowly becoming clear. Ms. Alma Parsons, a witness, describes how Mr. Wright was in the lobby of the local television station when he suddenly removed all of his clothes and wildly waved his hands in the air, shrieking “That’s bad grammar- do it right! Do it right! Do it right!” She confirms that a butterfly net was used to put him in custody, where officials say he will be given an opportunity to chill out a bit.

According to Parsons, Wright was in the lobby of clhk tv to express his indignation at several recent on-air infractions when the station manager, I. Messi Tup, told him “The thing is, is that we usually always do pretty good, but will be more firmer on our grammar in the future.” Apparently this remark, though well-intentioned, was enough to initiate the mental implosion.

Wright is long known to have had issues with the quality of grammar among local professionals, and his responses to some of their errors have caused him a great deal of trouble over the years.

One well-remembered incident in which a reporter apparently said “this will certainly play a factor in future developments” prompted him to hack into the station’s computer, delete the reporter’s profile, and post a memo to all employees announcing that he had been fired for being a complete and utter moron.

Over the years Wright has cited many examples of “unbelievable faux pas” heard in the local media. Indeed, he once suggested, perhaps somewhat prophetically, that these blunders would “some day drive me crazy.”

At the time of this paper’s last interview with Wright, he stated a personal belief that those wishing to earn a living by the use of words should be held to a standard of grammatical care far higher than the average communicator, and that those presenting themselves as informers or educators, or even as being educated, had an irreducible responsibility to ensure crisp, clear, accurate and efficient communication at all times. He further declared that there was “absolutely no room for negotiation in this.”

Called a kook by some and a genius by others, Wright has certainly captured the imagination of our readers. Phones rang off the hook following his last visit to the campus when crowds of fans rallied in Turkey Square to support his radical approach to journalistic professionalism. It is true that some think he should loosen his knickers and relax a bit, but many more support furiously his demands for the protection and preservation of proper, accurate grammar in a world that is rapidly forgetting how to communicate longhand.

No actual charges have been laid, despite the unexpected thrill for Parsons. The station manager refused to comment on this, indicating only that “charges are a whole nother issue.” He did, however, express his hope that Wright would receive the treatment necessary for a rapid return to society, and that he would then “get off our backs already.”

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