By Tendayi Moyo
After getting off to a dismal start to the new year, the Calgary Flames have decided to give up hockey altogether.
The decision came following a post-game locker room talk where head coach Bob Hartley asked the players if they were really up for this hockey thing anymore. Sources close to the coach say Hartley was met with a resounding “not really.”
“Fuck it. I’m done,” said Flames goalie Karri Ramo in a post-game interview. “This game is stupid anyway. I’m taking my net and I’m going home.”
Many Flames players are unsure as to what the future holds for them, but are comforted by the knowledge that it could not possibly be worse than what they are doing now.
“I dunno, maybe art? Check out what’s up with art?” said captain Mark Giordano. “It doesn’t really matter. I would rather be Rob Ford’s personal trainer than the captain of this team.”
President of Hockey Operations Brian Burke, who has been working vehemently to reboot the organization, said he felt relieved following the decision.
“Now I can focus on things in my life that are more worthwhile,” Burke said, “like raking leaves in the wind or learning Latin.”
The choice to hang up the skates for good was expected to generate backlash from fans, though the only remaining Flames fan was discovered to be a blind, deaf mute who could not express his outrage.
City council is now in the midst of planning what will be done with the Saddledome in the home team’s absence. Some are calling for its immediate demolition, while others hope to preserve it as a memorial to a shameful period in Calgary’s history.
“Though we intend to move forward and put this trainwreck behind us,” said Mayor Naheed Nenshi, “the Saddledome should stay standing as a stark reminder of our troubled past. And for the Shania Twain concert.”