Wrestling flick hits bottom

With the current popularity of professional wrestling, it was only a matter of time before its ugly mug was shown on movie screens everywhere.

Ready to Rumble, director Brian Robbins’ (Varsity Blues) latest venture, combines the action of World Championship Wrestling with the comedic "talents" of David Arquette (Gordie Boggs), Sean Caan (Sean Dawkins) and Oliver Platt (Jimmy King).

Boggs and Dawkins are sanitation engineers who specialize in three things: cleaning septic tanks, wrestling and being jackasses. Both have an affinity for King, the reigning World Heavyweight Champion, and witness the loss of his championship at the hands of the evil Diamond Dallas Page. Page is merely a pawn in WCW manager Sinclair’s plan to get rid of King.

Distraught at King’s loss, Boggs and Dawkins leave the arena, only to crash their truck on a deserted road. Somehow, the two convince each other this is fate’s master plan and it is their duty to bring King back to his former glory.

If you can’t figure out what happens from here then this is exactly the kind of movie that will rock your world! You’ll laugh hysterically as human feces are sprayed in mass quantities at the hapless souls who clean up the sanitation truck accident. The euphoria you will feel watching Martin Landau humiliate himself as the decrepit yet spry trainer Sal Bandini will know no bounds. You’ll roll in the aisles as you watch Arquette artistically throw 20 varieties of hissy fits and explore the full range of the acting spectrum. Love will fill your heart as you watch Rose McGowan prance around as the over-sexified Nitro girl, Sasha. You’ll chuckle with glee as you watch her get her just-desserts as she is pummeled with a ladder. Yes, this is definitely the movie for you.

On the other hand, if you find Arquette as annoying as those stupid, yappy mutts people dress in sweaters, then stay away from this steaming pile of rubbish. If quirky plot twists are your bag, then stay clear of this obvious pool of cess. If you hate wrestling, and don’t know your Goldbergs from your Spielbergs, flee from this horror of all things a movie should not be.

Ready to Rumble is a festering mass of crap. If you couldn’t figure it out that it sucks from the promos then give your head a shake.

Oh look! It’s one of those AT&T commercials…

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