By Rob Granger
It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon, but you’re still hung over from Thursday night at the Embassy (or at least we hope you are). You’re afraid to go anywhere without your bucket, clad in nothing but a shower curtain, so you stay in with your best friend: television, the window to a thousand parallel universes, all more exciting than your own. You start flipping channels and ultimately settle for Fox, you depraved subhuman being you. You’re captivated by yet another of those "reality" shows, where people are mauled and you can’t help but laugh at their misfortune. We’ve all seen at least one of them: "World’s Most Amazing Videos," "When Animals Attack," "Trauma: Real Life in the E.R."
Here’s a list of a few that have slipped through the network programming cracks, much to your chagrin and that of other easily amused, Bud-drinking, sweat-reeking, Sun-reading, Ralph Klein-voting pieces of trailer park trash.
America’s Funniest Cult Mass Suicides
From Heaven’s Gate and Branch Davidians to the lesser-known Sacred Mushroom of the Cross and Temple of the Dog, this show was a perhaps too clinical but indepth a look at the world of "religious" fanatics who offed themselves in the most peculiar of manners; it was to have been narrated by the spirit of David Koresh, speaking through Charlton Heston.
Bank Heists Gone Awry
Naughty tellers pushing alarm buttons, held-up customers going vigilante and trigger-happy bandits making mulch out of everybody, Bank Heists had it all. A strong cast, including the white guy from Family Matters, was supported by great writing (courtesy of David Lynch). Although it showed promise, Bank Heists was not slated (even despite the great theme song "Been Caught Stealing," remixed by Eminem) due to the lack of boobs.
Fun In the O.R.: Wacky Appendectomies, Lobotomies, and Vasectomies
Aspiring med students and amateur underground physicians alike will enjoy this comprehensive how-to on surgical excisions of all kinds. Hosted by well-known AMA-revoked Dr. Nick Rivieria, this one would have entertained the kids for hours, but was held back due to technical inaccuracies. Pig fetus not included.
Gang Wars: The Coloured Menace
From the cheesy rip-off title trying to capitalize on George Lucas’ most recent sci-fi phenomenon (THX-1138), to the trite overuse of ebonics (where is this so-called word that’s up?), to the nauseating sounds of Snoop Doggy Dogg’s latest "music" (from the album, "Doggy [Body] Bag"), and finally to Tupac trying to be a cop (he’d be rolling over in his grave), this was a real winner! The crossfire sequences were exceptional, and the drive-bys were literally eye-popping (not enough crackers were run down for my liking, though).
Mugging Victims: Who Gives a Shit?
Old ladies in Depends, tough guys who think they’re invincible, kids on their way home from school–no one is safe from the scourge of the Central Park mugger. Using a hidden camera format, FOX intended to air different attack scenarios on this weekly program, until they decided to cancel it due to the amount of cameras being stolen, as well as the constant appearance of Rupert G. trying to get assailed for Letterman.
Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy
Pretty straightforward, this was a touching, witty examination of the seedy sex underworld and its leaders. At the last minute, however, FOX realized that the two leading actors (David Caruso and Gary Coleman) were washed-up good-for-nothings, and that Coleman would be four feet shorter than most of his working girls. ‘Nuff said.
Serial Killers: Your Friends and Mine
This show kind of a rehashes the glorification of murderers as exemplified in Oliver Stone’s magnum crappus, Natural Born Killers. Very avant-garde, borderline risque and definitely worth the viewer’s subsequent months of sleepless nights filled with agony and terror, Serial Killers takes a bold look at the techniques, motives and ultimate fate of the crème de la crème of psychos. Features some of our faves (Dahmer, Manson, Jack the Ripper) and the unsung heroes of the world of mass extermination. Estelle Getty slated to host, which is why it never ran.
World’s Bloodiest Junior High School Shop Class Accidents
Somewhere in the midst of all the shenanigans in which your children frolic during Industrial Arts, a wicked table saw lurks, ready at any moment to SEVER THE POOR LITTLE BASTARDS’ GODDAMNED HANDS, SUCKER! Evil belt sanders, hellish pottery kilns, vile photo fluids and malevolent arc welders are but a few of the dangers poised to maim our children for life. You could have caught some of the goriest mishaps that would have left you howling for more if FOX hadn’t pulled the plug on this one in favour of a Fresh Prince spinoff about Ashley’s illegitimate love child.