By Dave Granger
All right, budding alcoholics. It’s time for another interactive test, courtesy of Academic Probation. Simply track your answers to the following questions, tally ’em up and our standardized chart will determine your predisposition to hitting the bottle over and over again. So take those pens outta yer ears, dust ’em off and get circling!
1. With what do you cover your breakfast cereal with most often?
2. What is your favourite number?
3. Complete the following sentence: "After I drink a beer, ________________."
a. I feel more intelligent, beautiful and coordinated
b. I know there’s still the rest of the case to finish
c. I hope to God this is a nightmare because I stopped drinking anything under 80 proof when I was 12
4. Which celebrity do you most resemble in terms of drinking?
a. Pope "Wine-On-Weekends" John Paul II
b. Hugh "Smack-Crack-Cognac" Dillon
c. Janis "Me-and-Bobby-McGee-in-Davy-Jones’-Locker" Joplin
5. How often are you accused of having a drinking problem?
a. As rarely as A-Channel airs a movie that’s worth the film it’s printed on
b. Someone’s yelling at me right now to quit spilling my beer on the paper
c. I DON’T HAV A DRINCKEENG PROBLUM (naow where’z my mikkey?)
6. You drink because:
a. it’s enjoyable, but strictly during social occasions
b. it allows you to escape from reality
c. if you didn’t, the sudden decline in toxicity would prove to be a fatal shock to your system, which has adapted over the years to handle a blood alcohol content that would stop a herd of water buffalo dead in its tracks
7. Women who frequent bars find you:
a. responsible and charming
b. daring, but smelly
c. in a cardboard box by the Cecil
8. At an AA meeting, you would:
a. find the people there are a bunch of pathetic creatures with no will of their own
b. as usual, sit at the back of the class with your friends and make fun of everybody, being the drunken bad asses that you are
c. ask if it’s a licensed event
9. What kind of music do you like?
a. Gipsy Kings
c. That of your own urine splashing all over the toilet seat as you piss away another 20 bucks
10. You found this test:
a. interesting, revealing and informative
b. long, boring and a waste of time you could have spent getting shit-faced
c. in the AP section of the Gauntlet, which serves you as a blanket
Score 1 point for each a you circled, 2 points for each b and 3 points for each c.
10–15 points: Give yourself a pat on the back, you sober mofo.
15–25 points: You’re almost as bad as a certain Alberta premier.
25–30 points: You drink to forget you live and sleep to forget you drink.