By Kyle Siler
To help cut through the double-speak and dizzying spin of political discourse, the AP department sent each major political party an honest, forthcoming post-election speech to dazzle the electorate of Alberta (when you know damn well who’s going to win, you can write post-election speeches well ahead of time). Though they were never used (they must have gotten lost in the mail), here they are anyway:
Suckers… I mean lemmings… oops, I mean citizens of Alberta (c’mon Ralph, stick to the script!). Tonight, the divine voice of democracy has loudly sung the melodious hymn of yet another PC majority. Will the guys at the back quit yelling for "Catherine?" It’s the federal Tories you want; you’re in the wrong place, morons. Unlike them, we actually win our elections. As I was saying, along with my fellow Tories, we must use tonight as an opportunity to thank our bosses; those who put and keep us in office in our wonderful, democratic society… big corporate interests. OOPS, I meant to say "the people." Make sure that’s the one that goes on the record; that’s the real "PC" answer, if you know what I mean.
I’m also proud to say that even if I’ve been unable to make those eastern bastards freeze in the dark yet, at least those low-income peons who always vote left (Edmonton, I’m looking at you!) and can’t afford to pay their power bills are now freezing. In the coming years, I look forward to paying down the debt, more gradual tuition increases and an aggressive air deregulation program. I’m pretty sure we can drive down the current air price of "free" even further while of course bolstering local businesses who will be happy to just break even while serving Albertans. I’d say more, but it’s happy hour and time to celebrate, so I’d better go. Wait, that sounded like the wrong way to end a speech. Since when do I need reasons to drink?
I can’t help that I wasn’t born with a cherubic appearance and ineffable charm like ol’ Ralphie! He beats me for the PC leadership years ago, and now this. Hundreds of hardworking, two-faced career politicians manage to connive their way to leadership jobs, why can’t I? I’m just as two-faced and opportunistic as anybody else in the biz! Hmm, it looks like security is coming to escort me away, and since I’m more obsolete than Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial, I better make this quick. You can’t fire me because I quit, and Ralph, you may keep winning the battles between us, but I’m going to win the war. God bless slack Western attitudes towards firearms…
Braindead hicks, ignoramuses, self-interested jerks and Calgary Sun subscribers of Alberta: In a province where all hell will break loose if you raise taxes a penny, people happily pay hundreds more in electricity costs due to incompetent policy from their beloved Tories. At least taxes go to the government, and unbeknownst to the cretins who keep electing Tory majorities, we might just do something good for them with that money out of the goodness of our hearts. What’s ATCO going to do? Gold plate your bills? Give a lucky winner a sack of coal to burn their own energy with? As a former university professor, I’d say that if I were teaching a class with Alberta voters in it, more people would fail or withdraw than in first-year engineering. Well Ralph, it’s time to be very scared, as there are 20,000 strong here fully supporting "Raj Against the Machine" and…
NDP Lackey: Raj, they think they’re here for Rage Against the Machine.
Raj: I thought 20,000 people paid us $50 each to come because some labour union forced them to. Uh oh. Hey! Stop rioting! We’re just as cool and angry as they are, if not even more so! If they were here, Zac and company would be spewing out the same leftist nuggets of wisdom and insurgency that I am! Cut that out! Whoa, looks like those rent-a-cops are getting beat up pretty badly. Too bad we weren’t elected and could raise the minimum wage to pay them more to get the crap pounded out of them. The Edmonton Oilers aren’t going to like what these are rioters doing to their arena. Forget this, let’s get out of here before we get killed! To the Socialismobile!
Lackey: You mean the broken Winnebago?
Raj: (sighs) Yes.