Dear James

By James Keller

Dear James, I can’t get it up. Simply put, my wang ain’t doing its thang. How do I win over the ladies with a limp John Hancock?

– SGMA 391

SGMA 391: Your obvious problem is hours spent in management classes with rising levels of male students trying to get laid–while combating rising levels of estrogen… in themselves. Your tie is also too tight. Grow up and get a real degree. Move to communications–chock full of easy grades and willing ladies. Trust me, nothing will get that puppy up faster than your COMS 201 T.A. showing you her sender-receiver theory.

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Dear James, my boyfriend is a jerk. He just stands there looking at every communications girl that walks by, and doesn’t pay any attention to me.

– NURS 207

NURS 207: You’ve got two options. Sometimes men are dumb, but getting naked will clear their heads in no time. Nothing makes a guy stand up straight and think things over like, well, standing up straight in other ways. Or, dump your boyfriend and hang out in Engineering. The men will marvel at the presence of a female interested at all in relations with the opposite sex–even if the interest is not with them. Either way, you can divorce him in five years and live happily ever after with half his livelihood and his child support if you play your cards right. You go, girl.

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Dear James, the girl in my office does not understand my Babylon 5 references as I profess my love. What should I do?

– CPSC 411

Dear CPSC 411: There’s a special Delenn out there for you. If you readers out there don’t understand this, you don’t understand this man’s pain. Let’s leave it at that.

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Dear James, after many attempts to get on the Canadian Olympic Swim Team, I’ve been snubbed again. Something is wrong with this world when a perfectly talented athlete, trained by the best professionals Mommy and Daddy could buy, can’t make her presence known. I would so get the gold. Sure, I completely sucked in the time trials and no, I wouldn’t pass a sanctioned drug test, but I want it I want it I want it! Olympic Committee, you slighted me.

– KNES 399

KNES 399: Does the silver spoon in your mouth cause a noticeable speech impediment? When are you going to learn you’re just not a very good swimmer? You should suck it up and take some management classes. At least you’ll have a future when your days as a daycare swim instructor collapse beneath your talentless thick skull.

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Dear James, enjoy the anthrax.

– CMMB 431

CMMB 431: Fuckers.