Ed. Note: The North Star today is not the North Star of 2000 years ago. As a result, the dates of the zodiac have changed, and while most astrologists refuse to acknowledge this, AP has decided to break with tradition and adopt the modern dates for the zodiac. In addition, our astronomy expert has informed us that there is a 13th sign, Ophiuchus. Make sure to check the dates, so you read the right sign.
Aries (April 17-May 11)
Shit is fucked up this week for the Ram. Don’t even try and brush your teeth since they’ll all fall out by Wednesday. Mars is moving into the sixth house, so your best friend is having sex with your mom. We’re sorry about that.
Taurus (May 12-June 19)
You’re distracted lately by the fact that it burns when you pee. Go see a doctor. Days pass quickly, and you forget little things like pulling up your pants following your never-ending bathroom visits. On the bright side, you may come into some money. We think you should keep your fingers crossed and your pants done up.
Gemini (June 20-July 18)
You are a sexy bitch. In fact, you’re as good as two. Everybody loves you and wants to have sex with you. Mercury in transition with all other planets means use a damn condom as the STDs are out to get you. Enjoy!
Cancer (July 19-Aug. 8)
Crabs are walking around with their head up their ass for the first part of this week. You unfortunately have no clue what’s going on. A tendency to jump to conclusions turns friends against you. Our advice: Shut the fuck up.
Leo (Aug. 9-Sep. 14)
The Sun sign gets chilled as Venus rotates far far away. Insecurities and feelings of distance tend to overwhelm. Not everything is as it appears as signs and portents point to interesting and strange bedfellows ahead. Do yourself a favour and opt for masturbation.
Virgo (Sept. 15-Oct. 28)
Good things can happen if you really suck up this week. Late term paper? Flunked the midterm? A little bribe goes a long way. All is well after the fourth if you stop complaining. So stop.
Libra (Oct. 29-Nov. 20)
Hot damn! You balance the scale between unimaginable knowledge and unrelenting good looks. However, monkeys are extremely attracted to you and will rip you limb from limb. Stay away from the zoo, and don’t eat any bananas.
Scorpio (Nov. 21-Nov. 27)
Your brain is overloaded lately, yet you won’t have any choice but to learn and learn. Sadly, you won’t gain any intelligence in dealing with the opposite sex. Apologize to your significant other in advance. Really.
Ophiuchus (Nov. 28-Dec. 15)
You’re the new kid on the block. You may feel like nobody likes you. But that’s because nobody likes you. Like we said to all the Aries, sorry.
Sagittarius (Dec. 16-Jan. 17)
Things are looking up… kind of. Mercury moves into the ninth house bringing you the gift of people management. Unfortunately people avoid you like the plague. Try buying a plant.
Capricorn (Jan 18-Feb. 13)
Baa baa black sheep, have you any friends? Try working on personal hygiene, that always helps. If not, start giving away money and gifts while ridiculing yourself often. Good luck.
Aquarius (Feb. 14-Mar. 14)
You’re afraid of water. Water is your nemesis. This can’t be a good thing. It would be advisable to stay away from pools, baths, showers, and medium to large sized puddles.
Pisces (Mar. 15-Apr. 16)
Something’s fishy in the realm of the mind. Those unsettling dreams you’ve been having are probably not that far off. Don’t go to bed anymore and you’ll soon regain sanity. Sleep is overrated.