Three of many ways to "impres" that special someone

Alcohol has many wonderful effects on people and some of the most amusing, embarrassing and intriguing involve dating/sexual relations. The following are only three suggestions of ways to let alcohol ruin your dating life. There are many more–trust me.


1. On the afternoon before a first date, drink yourself into oblivion. Ask your date to pick you up from the Den, where you should be so trashed that you cannot stand up and the server actually asks your date to remove you from the establishment. Get your date to take you somewhere comfortable enough to pass out and wake up only to request bottles of water and slur some sort of apology. Sleep it off and then (if your date is still around) go on your date. You may not be feeling up to it, but it’s really the least you can do. This technique is especially effective on Valentine’s Day.


2. If your date or potential boy/girlfriend plays any sport, get absolutely smashed and then attend one of his/her games. Curse your face off, sing at the top of your lungs and strip while sitting in the bleachers. If you can time it properly, wait until the game is over (though you’ll have no idea who won) and then try not to fall down the bleachers while you run to the bathroom. Here you should proceed to puke your guts out while the friends and/or relatives of your date wait outside. Lay on the bathroom floor until your date is forced to come in and physically pick you up off of the floor and carry you to the car. Upon reaching the car you should immediately pass out. Do not apologise.


3. When you are out with a group of people that includes the person you really like, drink excessively and then hit on other guys/girls while completely ignoring the one you are interested in. If you can find, let’s say, an entire soccer team to hit on then go for it. Get one of the soccer players to feed you asparagus (because that’s soooo sexy) and drink all of their beer. This will not only fail to impress the object of your desires, but will, in fact, turn off the entire soccer team that you are hitting on.

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