DVDs march onwards, from the store’s shelves to your bloated collection

It reminds me of Chernobyl–but in a good way.

The roaring bonfires of COMS 363 textbooks across campus mark the beginning of the holiday season and the end of an oppressive school term, as useless theories and obtuse assignments turn to ash waiting to be swept away by finals. Once those are done, though, it’s time for of a well-deserved break.

Unlike Chernobyl, you’ve got a holiday full of good cheer ahead of you.

Sure, you could talk to your family whom you’ve spent four years escaping or visit friends you forgot to ditch in high school, but you want to, as the kids say, chillax. There’s a reason you spent your tuition money for next year to get a top-of-the-line home theatre package complete with progressive scan DVD player, 100-watt surround sound system and 40-inch plasma TV.

If that last sentence gave you an erection, you’re probably planning to spend the winter holidays the same way I am, curled up by the oven (the landlord still hasn’t fixed the furnace) and watching movies ’till you cry joyful tears of blood in a urine pool of your own devising.

Well, put on your favorite pair of stain-free sweatpants and let’s watch some DVDs!

Indiana Jones Box Set

Fill your holiday season with Nazis, savage temple priests and more Nazis with the only man to kick all their asses–Indiana Jones. A tricked-out box set includes all three Indy films plus a piddling amount of extras. Learn bits of behind-the-scenes trivia, like how Harrison Ford’s relationship with Calista Flockhart grew out of the snake fetish he got during filming.

Tenacious D: The Complete Masterworks

Jack Black and Kyle Glass fucking rawk, bringing said rawk on a DVD with concert footage, episodes from their short-lived HBO show and all their music videos. I splooge under thee, masters of the Dark Lord. Celebrate Christmas properly by hailing Satan and purchasing your own goddamn copy.

TV box sets

"Jack Bauer, you’ve just shot someone in the witness protection program."

"Shut up and get me a hacksaw."

"Oh, Jack Bauer, you are truly the hardest of men."

You can relive that moment and many like it. It’s been a big year for TV on DVD. The list is enormous: Homicide, Buffy, The Ben Stiller Show, 24, Futurama, Deep Space Nine, Sex in the City, West Wing, Simpsons, and Saved By the Bell. Yes, I just said Saved By the Bell. On DVD.


Ninjas are cool. When a ninja can teleport and attacks a Bush analog in the White House, you reach another level of cool. Add a psychopathic mutant killer with claws that’s adored by kids worldwide, you reach a level of cool that surpasses Jesus himself.

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