Top seven or so WTF situations of 2005

By Logan Neihaus

Don’t you ever just want to puke because you see something so bloody frustrating and ridiculous? Well, we did, about seven or eight times because of what we found. Well, there was 10, but space permitting you’re getting the pick of the litter. Seriously, you’ll never believe where we got this crap

7: Martha Stewart

Let’s see here: insider trading scandal, slap on the hand jail sentence, and an afternoon television show. Fucking ridiculous, I agree. Only in North America could you be convicted of insider trading and be made into a martyr six months later. Let’s just step back for a second here. Any normal citizen would’ve served years for this. So while everyday Joe Schmo is in a federal ‘pound me in the ass’ prison, Martha is baking fucking brownies in a quiet getaway that isn’t much different than a weekend at Camp David (minus the Bush twins, depending on the weekend).

6: MP3 and Swapping

The battle over pirated material has turned out much like a really bad rash: you keep scratching it, but it only gets worse. The record industry shuts down Napster, a huge win right? Wrong! All that happened was a influx in downloading programs where movies and multimedia of all sorts are available at the click of a button. Today movie studios fight piracy by trying the exact same thing. The problem is people only try harder when someone pisses them off and regardless of popular belief, nerds can find a way to fuck your shit up. They thought there was a problem a few years ago, but now it’s at the point where file transfer will probably never end.

5: NHL Lockout

“We’re not making enough money, wah, wah, wah.” Are you serious? Yeah, hockey was put on hold because a few people were worried that they wouldn’t have enough to pay their Ferrari payments. These clowns get to do something they love everyday and be adored for it. How the hell can you be pissed if changes are being made so this can continue? The majority of Canada felt betrayed, let down and pissed because they didn’t have a reason to get drunk on winter nights. Well hooray for hockey again and finally we won’t feel as guilty drinking every night of the week. Wait a second, drinking and guilty for a Canadian just don’t collide in the same sentence. Ever!

4: Tom Cruise loses his mind.

Where do I start with this? Scientology speculations, outbursts, a much-publicized relationship with Katie Holmes and a handful of weird antics that really make you wonder how ‘Maverick has sunk so low.’ Jumping on Oprah’s couch, jumping on Katie Holmes’s parents’ couch and diagnosing Brooke Shields’ mental illness are just a few exciting things he has been up to. Now if this was me and some guy was jumping on my furniture I would be kicking him the junk while escorting his crazy ass outside. Can you say fucking random?

3: Canadian political scandal

Wow, a Canadian scandal! Interesting, right? Well really, not so much. The Gomery Reports surrounding the sponsorship scandal were of the highest political highlights this year but no one really seemed to care. It simply became tiresome and frustrating for all of us to watch. Having to watch Paul Martin deny endless scandals is like watching a stripper for eight dances, it gets boring (I’m sorry, that’s untrue, it never gets boring). A funny side to this was that there were reports out of the United States calling the Canadian government ‘a mess’ and troublesome in dealing with these problems. In no way can we fault the U.S. for their comments because our government tends to spend more time putting out fires than actually focusing on real problems. Seriously though, do we really want to play the blame game (remember a certain invasion on a small Middle Eastern country)?

2: 50 Cent vs. The Province of Canada

As if we hadn’t already found a way to piss off the US, we also have to look like a bunch of prudes too. Now I will be the first one to say 50 Cent’s music and the drama surrounding him is less than favourable but we can’t simply outlaw certain individuals because of personal vendettas. The thing is, shootings have taken place at other concerts and to say keeping one concert out will keep violence down is ridiculous. Someone getting shot at a concert is not usually because 50 Cent is up rocking in “Da Club” and some guy figures blasting the dude next to him to that anthem would be cool. It’s the same garbage we seen when church groups were trying to keep Marilyn Manson from playing; artists don’t play god, they just take all the bullshit and act as easy scapegoats for stupid ass people with too much time on their hands.

1: Michael Jackson

Oh my, where to start with this clown. Not unlike Martha Stewart’s situation we see how money can go a long way. Michael Jackson was able to not only transform his face into an image that will forever scare children and adults alike, but he found a way to squirm out of a extremely high profile molestation lawsuit. For anyone who has followed the occurrences in the past and present know his actions and wild behavior have done little to help his situation. Many ask how he was able to pull a not guilty verdict in this with the undeniable amounts of evidence against him. Personally I think the inmates pledged to keep him out because they were scared of what he might try to pull while behind bars. Can you imagine Doctor Dementia himself sneaking into your cell, half nose and all for a special late night glass of Jesus juice and spoon session? I think I just puked in my mouth three times. Yup, I did.