To hell with politics, let’s get drunk

This week Prime Minister Stephen Harper opened the 39th session of Parliament with his throne speech and the NDPs responded by making a strange alliance with the Progressive Conservatives, Klein announced plans to abdicate his throne in six months time and five MLAs resigned from the Legislative Assembly.

Despite these recent political developments, it’s safe to say students in their bleary-eyed, caffine-supported final weeks of the semester are concerned with matters much more pressing than the fate of our fair province and country. Even here at the Gauntlet, the editorial board couldn’t stop talking about the Bermuda Shorts Day long enough to come up with biting political commentary. For first year students and fifth year BSD veterans alike, the Gauntlet editors put their heads together to give a little advice for BSD revelers this year.

It’s best to start pre-BSD preparations now. This means you have exactly one Thursday night to make a friend in rez. A rez-rat buddy means a place to take a mid-day nap, and also saves you valuable dollars by providing instant access to the one place on campus where it’s legal to drink your own alcohol. Thursday nights at the Den are always a good place to meet rez dwellers, and the $7 pitchers allow you to build up alcohol tolerance before the big day.

When BSD morning arrives, begin drinking immediately. This is one of the only days of the year where drinking beer for breakfast is not only permissible, but encouraged. It’s best to crack the first beer in the shower, where the combination of cold beer and warm water is refreshing and invigorating enough to start the day off right. Also, it’s like drinking two, and saves you bling.

Breakfast choices are also very important. Pancakes always work well to provide a bready pillow for alcohol to be poured on. The engineers, always on top of innovative new ways to drink, mix rum with their syrup in a 1:1 ratio. Pancakes should be followed by a second beer, preferably shotgun-style on your front porch. If you don’t have a porch, the hallway of your apartment or the C-train platform will do fine.

At this point it’s probably time to get dressed. Remember you’re going to be outside all day so–as any good Boy Scout knows–the key to outdoor dress is layers. Bermuda shorts and loud Hawaiian shirts are required, but it could snow or it could be sunny so, like a boy scout, “be prepared.”

Ladies, avoid those slinky sundresses–not only do layers keep your warm in an Alberta April blizzard, they also provide more pockets to stash a few “road pops” or a flask. Also, include a plastic bag in one of those pockets–it will serve you well as an emergency barf bag on the cab ride home later in the day. Even if you don’t need it you can pass it off to a less fortunate friend.

Another dressing tip: avoid flip-flops at all cost. Yes, they’re trendy and fit with the whole Hawaiian theme, but nothing is worse than slogging through the piss-mud on the way to the Port-o-Potties wearing a pair of thongs. Rubber boots are the best bet for a BSD aficionado.

To go to class or to not go to class? That is the classic BSD question. If you choose to bear the slings and arrows of attending a lecture, make sure to bring refreshments. A degree doesn’t really count unless you’ve consumed a beer in class. Sit in the back row and try coughing while cracking one. Or, if you’re not willing to risk taking arms against a sea of troubles a vodka water looks oh-so-inconspicuous in a Nalgene bottle.

As the day progresses remember to drink responsibly. This means writing your name, phone number and address on your arm with a Sharpie marker in case you get lost. This will allow you to bring any hook-ups home if you experience a case of alcohol-induced amnesia. Just be sure not to show it to the trench-coated man handing out cupcakes to children on the C-train.

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