Giant Bunnies! AAARRRGHH!

By Erika Lieu

The thought of rabbits often brings to mind a beloved character from childhood days–Peter Rabbit. I would suspect most people get similar warm fuzzies when thinking of these adorable, huggable creatures–unless your name is Kim Jong-Il. In Kim Jong-Il’s little brain, oversized bunnies make for great–and economical–grub. Call me crazy, but I just don’t follow his logic.

I don’t doubt for a second that East German Karl Szmolinsky–breeder of giant bunnies–is deserving of high accolades for his skills in animal husbandry. What I have trouble believing is that Szmolinsky’s prized pet was bred simply on large amounts of food. Such giant rabbits are more reminiscent of a Simpsons episode in which Homer blows up the nuclear plant and subsequently contaminates rabbit genes, rather than the creation of an enthused German pensioner.

There are, of course, endless ways to make money. Certainly, selling huge rabbits to Kommunist Kim is one way.

The idea is to use these monster bunnies to curb the food shortage in the glorious nation of North Korea. Consider this: pork meat can be purchased for about $2.10 per kilo, and beef for about $3 per kilo. Dog meat–albeit grotesque to most of the West’s population–can be as cheap as $1.30 per kilo. Monster bunny meat, on the other hand, winds up costing about $15 per kilo. What’s going on here? I suppose alternatives such as putting more money into farming and agriculture are out of the question. Apparently modern theories of sustainability don’t apply to North Korea. It must be a Western privilege.

Besides, for most human beings, the thought of an enormous 10.5 kg bunny with ears the size of your face should be enough to elicit nightmares featuring that killer rabbit from R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps books. The world’s watching you, Kim Jong-Il. We’re onto your penchant for fast cars, top cuts of squid and fois gras. And now we’re waiting to see what kind of stew you’ll make of Szmolinsky’s bunnies. But if importing these fuzzies from Germany is going to cost you that much, maybe you should consider training those bunnies into an Ãœber-Killer Bunny Squad to combat the West. Of course, we could just eat them when they get here.

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