Spun: Gladys Knight

Gladys Knight is older than your grandma and has been making music longer than you’ve been alive. Her newest album Before Me is the latest in a series of money makers in which artists decide to cover safe, hit songs that are sure to keep the cash flowing. There are a few things that came before Gladys Knight that she seems to ignore.

Dinosaurs: Long before Knight was born, Earth was ruled by giant reptiles. Humans sadly will never see these majestic beasts in action but we know about them from fossil records. If you are religious you can still believe in dinosaurs, you just have to call them “Jesus horses.” God is down with that.

Electricity: Without electricity Knight would never have been able to record her honey-smooth voice. It was Ben Franklin’s famous key-on-a-kite experiment that paved the way for electricity, computers, Al Gore’s Internet and finally, Internet pornography.

Xenu: This wild and crazy alien from Scientology brought life to Earth 75 million years ago in a spaceship looking like a DC-8 airplane.

All of these things came before Knight and have very little to do with her. Knight missed living with the dinosaurs by a few years, dated Ben Franklin but refused to hold the kite string and, though empress of the Galactic Confederacy, Knight has chosen to remain neutral in most conflicts. Also, her CD is good.

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