Plague strikes SU

By Heather Clitheroe

Woe to the students of MacEwan Hall, for the headless staircase has struck again! Yes, it was one of those nights, those frigid Calgary nights, where the frost nips at the genitals of the wanton prostitutes, and the fumble-fingered johns… yes, it was one of those nights.

And though the students of MacEwan Hall were safely tucked away in home, dreaming of sugar plum fairies and Dexter the Dino (but only in G-rated ways), there was an evil settling over the Hall…yes, an evil. It came in the form of construction men with their jeans hanging low, cracks wide open and exposed to the breeze, fleshy white flesh swaying gently in the frigid night, sweat glistening on their hairy chests… and woe, the students of MacEwan Hall stirred in their sleep, troubled.

Advancing, ever advancing, the evil that was MacEwan Student Center Expansion settled over the staircase, a miasma of rotten, plague-ridden air borne of lofty dreams of multi-use-facilities and a new drinking establishment (where only the finest of beverages could be found, where the floor was not squishy on a Thursday night, and where the fire marshal would no longer be a frequent visitor). And woe, the students of MacEwan Hall trembled in their slumber.

Where once escalators stretched high into the heavens… where once the steep stairs, fraught with danger at every step… where once the staircase crouched-like some animal, lurking in wait for unsuspecting frosh and university administrators, attempting to relive their youth vicariously through the Students’ Union staircase-this was where the dreams of tuition-free years and meaningful education were born.

And now, putrid with years of bank machines and batik-print attire vendors, worm-ridden with the remnants of Galbraith, and the exec from years ago, the staircase moaned and shivered with each froshling’s Gap-attired step.

And it was under the tutelage of the 57th council (the only council espousing beliefs of consultation and the wonders of golf carts, where the shining example of leadership and representation, and extravagant measures to reach out to the unwashed masses that was the student body) that the staircase, and all the evils that it had come to reflect, was slated for execution.|

And woe! Amnesty International would have protested, but their leader, Rob South, had become one with the SU executive, and spent many long hours chuckling and wringing his hands over the demise of the staircase… woe! the protest was for naught.

And while the students of MacEwan Hall slept on, past their classes, through their exams, and into the summer, the staircase, alas, was knocked down.

And then, like a plague sent by the gods of old (for there were, at the time, insects in Rob South’s office, the water in the pipes had run blood-red for a day, and boils had graced the bottom of one VP Events’ ass, and the threads of one well-dressed VP External had crumbled into dust), the smells of construction-dirt, vomit, and dust-rose, plume-like from the depths of the staircase.

Alas, the staircase is no more. Hark! though, student of MacEwan, for if you should be touched by the foul stench of what once was, and champion the return of the staircase, you, too shall be forced to approach the Almighty Affonso and the Benevolent Clitheroe. And hereupon, she shall regale you with all the details of expansion. And, your ears full of the reproach and spite, and the bitterness felt, stemming from project delay after project delay, you, too, o student of MacEwan, will run screaming, groaning from the building, never to return.

Heather Clitheroe
VP Academic

Amanda Affonso
VP Operations and Finance

The Staircase, posthumous


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